The Near, the Far and the Forgotten

"Do not surround yourself by a fence, but rather, by your friends,” is a Czech proverb, which succinctly shows the value of friendship. I place a lot of value on having good relationships, and perhaps a lot more than people would ever think. Outwardly I can seem a little bit reserved, cold and serious, and so much so, that one of my students said I reminded him of Adolf Hitler. It should be stressed that I’m not Austrian, not short and don’t have a silly little moustache, but the student’s point was about my unsmiling countenance and air of detachment from emotion. It was pointed out to him in return that perhaps it’s best not to compare people to the vertically challenged & deceased dictator of rather evil inclination.

But behind these sober features is someone who will make the effort to cultivate friendship and try to put a bit more substance into this concept. I keep in touch with friends in England and my family (around the globe) on a good and reasonably regular basis, it’s probably interesting for them to hear about China, same as it is for me to hear about the rain, warm beer and traffic jams back in England.

It’s my belief that there are many interesting and open-minded expatriates in this city, with whom you can be granted an engaging conversation (when they’re sober) and a certain degree of rapport and association. My girlfriend commented that possibly I was putting too much store in these ‘apparent’ friendships, but my reply (when I could get a word in) was that people are thrown together and make the most of what they have, but we are probably all aware how transient this friendship all is – we are all just passing through. It might be a ‘friend’ for a few months or a few years, but so be it. Maybe we will stay here for life, but the vast majority move on to new pastures.

Also, we are all expatriates from disparate regions of the world, and so naturally will gravitate to each other, as there is a common bond. And by nature we are open and more receptive to new ideas and people, this is why we have travelled long distances and come to this country to seek adventure and challenges. I’m pragmatic enough to realise this, but every time somebody leaves the expatriate environment in my local pub, there is always the same routine:

1. Person leaving gets all misty eyed (possibly due to the smoke in the pub) and says how much they will miss the place.

2. People staying say how much they will miss them and say, “Keep in touch you’ll be back”.

3. Inevitable exchange of email addresses ensues, even with people with whom they only exchanged a few monosyllables. They then promise to write and say, “Keep in touch, I’ll be back”.

4. Person leaving then departs after much hugging and long goodbyes. They then return a few seconds later, as they forgot to pay their bill or left a CD behind the bar. Thus emotional and dramatic exit is ruined.

5. I’m sat there thinking, “Why do we go through this same nonsense every time, when in a few weeks/months they will have forgotten us and we will have forgotten them?”

You’re probably thinking that I’m being really cruel and cynical (you’re not far wrong), but the reality is that ‘out of sight, out of mind’ is alive and well in today’s world. Once people leave, then perhaps they did have good intentions to maintain communication, but back in their new environments, they’re simply too busy, a few emails are dispatched with a supreme sense of vigour and purpose, slowly enthusiasm wanes as it dries up into a trickle, and then finally a drought. It comes as no surprise, as we all move on to new chapters in our lives. It’s a natural occurrence for all humans; we lose friends, we gain new ones, we move homes, we change jobs, etc., etc.

In my local pub which is a microcosm of the world with its petty arguments, personalities, cliques and politics, there is a diverse mixture of souls; some come to socialise, some to drink themselves into oblivion and some to verbally dissect their day. But as aforementioned, most are affable and gregarious, but on the other hand expatriates in my local ‘community’ do seem to be composed of similar ingredients - independently minded with a bit of gumption and just a drop of selfishness.

Regard the latter element, then it’s natural as we’re in a foreign setting amongst people we wouldn’t normally have met back home. Plus as a traveller and a free spirit we’re self-sufficient and usually strong in character and mind. I’ve talked to a lot of people, but I listen a lot more and though people share information, they’re always holding a little back and looking out for themselves.

Do I care? No. I’m just making observations and actually there’s a great social scene here and a lot of fun to be had. So don’t worry, I’m not going to bring this article to a conclusion with some impassioned plea, as I attempt to ‘twang’ your heartstrings or get you to reach out and hold someone, or make that email you’ve been meaning to make for a long time. That’s not my style and besides there’s a Latin proverb which says it all really:

“Live your own life, for you will die your own death.”