Aries (March 21 Ð April 19)
The upcoming month will bring you untold joy and lots of presents. Mostly on one day in particular. Give your loved ones a scare (and a chance for expensive presents) by announcing your birthday was yesterday and that you don't mind that no one remembered.

Taurus (April 20 Ð May20)
You may be feeling down for a couple of days next week. When you begin feeling low, stop, look around and point to anyone in particular and laugh. You'll start feeling better almost immediately. Do it a couple of times.

Gemini (May 21- June 21)
It's OK to spill wine all week if you feel you have to. If friends start giving you strange looks, explain it's the new dance moves to the new craze `Las Winos.Õ

Cancer (June 21 Ð July 22)
Spice up your life by suddenly walking sideways mid-step. Explain that your planetary pull is stronger this month. You'll start losing friends fast but take heart that you will soon be the talk of the town.

Leo (July 23 to August 22)
This month, you will find yourself boldly charging through life. However this approach can get you in trouble. You will soon find that it would be better to just hand over the cash.

Virgo (August 23 Ð September 22)
The time has come to throw down the gauntlet and challenge someone to a hand wrestle. If you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. The winner gets to keep the gauntlet/mitten.

Libra (September 23 to October 22)
You will discover an odd amulet when you visit the new Culture Street. However you will find that it is made from holmium and terelium which strongly interferes with the functioning of your game boy. Best not to play with things like that.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
The planets are well aligned for you to play practical jokes on your family. Take heart that the strong magnetic force of the universe will protect you from retaliatory attacks.

Saggitarius (November 22 Ð December 21)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, ``John! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Capricorn (December 22 Ð January 20)
You will discover that the universe has decided to cure you of your fear of the unknown by making your room a interplanetary ``hot zone." Just remember not to answer to the voices calling your name.

Aquarius (January 21 to February 18)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations today. Boldly go where no one has gone before (just don't get caught).

Piscies (February 19 to March 20)
You might be feeling restless or bored around the 14th. If so, try spicing up your routine by attempting new driving techniques. Drive slowly at 10 km/h and then suddenly speed to 70km/h. If you get pulled over, tell the cops you were forced to do it because of the moon's strong gravitational pull.
Chinese Zodiac Signs

Rat (1912,1924,1936,1948,1960,1972,1984,1996)
You are resourceful and quick on your feet. You also know your way around dark, smelly back alleys, a trait that will come in handy when you're trying to avoid a big bully. Lucky color: Laundry white.

Ox (1913,1925,1937,1949,1961,1973,1985,1997)
You are resilient, patient and also headstrong. However some may argue that stubborn is more accurate. Sit on these people until they change their minds. Lucky color: Sofa blue.

Tiger (1914,1926,1938,1950,1962,1974,1986,1998)
You are brave, strong-willed and like to be right all the time. As your boss fails to understand this, hold up a mirror to his face whenever he criticizes your work and the negative forces will be reflected back at him. Lucky color: Pavement gray.

Rabbit (1915,1927,1939,1951,1963,1975,1987,1999)
You are easy to please and love to please others. However you suffer from a vivid imagination and often believe you are being followed. Next Tuesday week, you will discover your paranoia to be well founded. Lucky color: Rust brown.

Dragon (1916,1928,1940,1952,1964,1976,1988,2000)
You are courageous, bold and unafraid to speak your mind. Take a course in `How to LieÕ a week before your mother in law visits. Lucky color: Acid green.

Snake (1917,1929,1941,1953,1965,1977,1989,2001)
You are charming and wily. On the 15th you will have the opportunity to be clever or pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Lucky color: Canary yellow.

Horse (1918,1930,1942,1954,1966,1978,1990,2002)
You are easygoing and a good conversationalist. On the 24th, use your gift to talk someone out of RMB10. Lucky color: Horseradish purple.

Goat (1919,1931,1943,1955,1967,1979,1991,2003)
You are loyal, affectionate and caring. You will become misty-eyed around the 9th. It will be the start of a love affair or the onset of glaucoma. Lucky color: Burnt red.

Monkey (1920,1932,1944,1956,1968,1980,1992,2004)
You are intelligent and sure of yourself. It could however land you in trouble on the 12th. Wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers will prevent anything untoward from happening. Lucky color: Armchair orange.

Rooster (1921,1933,1945,1957,1969,1981,1993,2005)
You are considerate and a good friend to others. You will lend someone RMB 20 soon. Tie a red string to it to ensure it returns to you. Lucky color: Crow black.

Dog (1922,1934,1946,1958,1970,1982,1994,2006)
You are thoughtful and playful. You will receive a gift on the 13th. If it's a good gift, send a thank-you card. If not, return the gift on the giver's birthday. Lucky color: Ocean Turquoise.

Pig (1923,1935,1959,1971,1983,1995,2007)
You are cautious, thrifty person. Someone will call you cheap next Friday though. Remember to carry your heel-less RMB5 boot so you can whack him with it. Lucky color: Picasso violet.