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The
art of dating: a complex game By
Rachel Rimer, Emily Mathews and Sandy XuThe concept of dating, that is to woo one of the opposite or same sex, is a notion that originated in Western cultures. In most Eastern and Asian cultures, there was a greater degree of conservatism and couples were not encouraged to venture out as a twosome. This is essentially because most Eastern and Asian cultures are communal societies and activities are centred around the particular community. In the next few pages, we have attempted to decipher the dating game and what it entails in different parts of the world from the eyes of three women, an American, a Singaporean and a Chinese. First let's take a look at it from the standpoint of an American woman, who now works in China. Dating in a Western culture, especially in America, can be quite an adventure. In this respect I'm glad that I'm a female as I have heard some horror stories of what some guys have to go through when they begin the delicate art of dating and the obstacles they have to overcome to gain the girls' family's acceptance. Everyone I'm sure has heard one version or the other, of the 16-year old boy who came to pick up his date and was horrified to see the girl's father sitting on the couch cleaning his guns. "Have her home by 9:00," he growled, adding ''and that means by 8:45, if you plan on living to be 17.'' Suffice to say the girl was dropped off well before the appointed time. Thankfully, not all dating experiences go this way. Most relationships start during junior school (middle school). During my junior school days, having a boy "escort you to class" was one off the biggest thrills. In act, you can check any hall in any junior or high school in America and you will find `couple upon couple' holding hands, `making out' or even having arguments. Once you reach the enviable age of 16, almost everyone has a car and that's when the serious dating game begins. Finally you don't have to rely on your parents to drop you off at the movies with all of their probing questions.... "What are his parents like? He doesn't touch you does he? Promise me you will call me if you have ANY problems!" They feel it's their duty to profile every guy you know. "Just helping you weed out the bad ones," was one of my mother's famous replies. After the movie, you both would probably end up walking around a shopping center, until one or both have to go home, or the city curfew of 12am begins. College life is probably the best and most relaxed dating environment. You have finally reached the magical adult age of 18, so now your parents don't have a say in whom you can see. Curfew is a thing of the past. You can date whomever you want and no one will say anything. You start relying o n your friends' opinions (of a guy) instead of your parents. Here in China, I work as a teacher and sometimes the topic of dating has come up. My students have asked me the number of people I have gone out with when I was in the States, and I think my answer has scared them a little. In America, going out at an early age was mainly to get to know the other sex and does not necessarily lead to a long lasting relationship or marriage. Why think about marriage when you haven't even achieved a bachelor's degree yet? A long and meaningful partnership however is there to be had but if and only both parties are committed. Although I value my freedom and enjoy the ability to date freely, I still look back with longing. Too much freedom can sometimes be a bad thing. Sometimes I wish my parents were still nearby...you know...to weed out the bad ones...:) Next we examine look at how a Singaporean views the dating scene in her home. Being born and bred in multicultural Singapore, I have witnessed the dating game played by various races, the Malay, the Chinese and the Indians. Quite obviously there are numerous differences given the racial boundaries but there is a common thread of conservatism running through all of them which extend to other Asian countries as well. Despite this, the dating game has evolved into a highly sophisticated art form that is grounded in respect for the elders but determined by modern rules. Dating does not begin as early as in the West with most `daters' in their mid or late teens. Similar to their western counterparts, boys consider asking girls out with some degree of anxiety and always relieved to hear `yes.' It is still common for the boy to ask the girl out, although many boys would welcome a change, they would consider a girl who asked them out a little ``too forward''. The college and university years remain the time when both sexes have the greatest freedom to date and this is the time that many experience their first and subsequent `serious' relationships. It is also the time that many begin their sexual adventures. In my time, only truly `serious' relationships led to sexual encounters and serious couples usually meant going out exclusively for three months or longer. Even as that trend is changing radically, Asian couples are generally not as sexual promiscious as those in the West. Although this period is usually made up of first loves and some broken hearts, there are also relationships that eventually lead to marriage. These are a long way off from the days (over 30 years ago) when there was such a term as ``arranged marriages''. This was when a girl and boy of `marriageable age' were chosen by their families to marry. Although the man was usually considered as taking the woman out and paying for their outing, with women's lib, many non-serious couples go `dutch' (both pay). Couples go to the usual places for dates, such as restaurants, to watch movies, to nightclubs (for dancing and drinking) and even for shopping trips. I know of friends who take some dates along during shopping trips to act as their baggage handlers, the payer or as `yes men (i.e,.' yes honey, you look great in that dress''). Usually the main tenet is to spend quality time together. Publicly displayed attention is common here but going 'too far' may get you in trouble. Couples who indulge in sexual activity in public places such as parks or in their cars may find themselves hauled to court on charges of indecent behaviour. In general, most couples refrain from telling their parents about their partners until the couple is at their ``serious stage''. In most instances, the couple still seek the approval and blessings of both families. Both parties wish for their family has accepted their choice of partner and similarly that their partner can get along with their family. This is especially important in such a communal culture where extended families are close-knit. In Asian marriages, it is said that the couple not only marry their partner but their families as well. Last but not least, we detail the experiences of a Chinese woman on the topic. I first learned that the word date held more than one meaning when I was in my senior year. I was quite surprised to discover that it meant more than just a mark on the calender. I learnt a lot of words then including the term `blind date.' I had never gone through one myself but the thought fascinated me and I imagined how my first blind date would go. In reality however, my first blind date was neither romantic nor sweet. He was introduced to me by my girlfriend and we went on to have a very uneventful date. There was no `chemistry'. This was quite logical though, we were both strangers and one date could not immediately change that. In China, many couples met this way, which is through well-meaning friends. These meetings would undoubtably be tense as the couple begin the delicate task of getting to know each other. Usually the man starts first and talks about hobbies, his background and family. If the date was a successful one, then the happy couple would exchange phone numbers or email addresses. In China, as in other countries, one usually take a date to fast food outlets, the movies, for dancing and singing or simple outings to the park. In most instances, the guy will pay for the outing. The liberating view of going dutch has not yet caught on as most girls feel their date has to ``earn'' their time with them. However having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a status symbol and finding one is a serious occupation. That is due mainly to the fact that marriage is considered very important. When asked why, a friend explained ``because everyone must marry.'' |
